Wednesday, October 15, 2008


One of the perks about my job is the fact that I get to write my own warrants. Granted, it has to be approved by a supervisor, but I'm not generally going to take anything to a supervisor that's not ready for approval. If one of my knuckleheads is acting up, and getting involved with local law enforcement, I obtain a copy of the incident report, and use it as a basis for a Probable Cause warrant for a violation of whatever flavor of probation or parole they happen to be out on.

Reading the incident reports is always fun. I've got one stuck in my head right now, that I thought I'd share. Knucklehead 1.0 is at a party, and he's drinking, imagine that. After a few drinks, Knucklehead 1.0 gets a little on the belligerent side, starts cursing people, shouting, and generally being obnoxious. 911 is called, and a Sheriff's Deputy responds to the scene, where Knucklehead 1.0 is ready to escalate. He's now ready to argue with the Deputy. Arguing, not so much an issue, cops are used to people trying to argue with them. However, then the threats start, with Knucklehead 1.0 daring the Deputy to take off his badge and fight him like a man. Knucklehead 1.0 even goes so far as to try and shove the Deputy and takes a swing at him. Herein comes the best part of the incident report, and I quote:

" which point I placed hands on the subject, and assisted him to the ground..."

That just absolutely kicked over my giggle box. I'm snickering even now just trying to envision the chain of events that ended with Knucklehead 1.0 being 'assisted' to the ground. Props have to go out to the Deputy that authored that particular report, as it appears to be quite factually accurate, and worthy of any legal department's praise. You mention it to anyone who's ever gone hands on with a stumbling drunk, and they'll nod their heads in agreement that, yes, he did assist him to the ground. Then they'll promptly snort as they try to picture it in their heads.

Ah well, back to reading incident reports. Unfortunately, they don't all have little gems in them.


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